I'm kind of just going insane now, I guess. I've done so many stupid things lately. My glasses finally came in, and I like them. Vision went from 720p to 4K. Today, I've realized I don't want to have emotional attachments to people anymore. I'd give anything to be unfeeling and stoic.
I'd be capable of anything I want, but instead I tear myself limb from limb and procrastinate and kill myself with worry. I don't want to spend my whole life surrounded by a need for people. It's long since turned me bad. I just want to be good. I just want to be normal and good, please. I wish I knew how to be, but I'm so dependent on performing for others for a worthless moment of laughter. I'm so tired of laughing. I don't want to laugh anymore. I hate it. I'm so ungraceful and immature.
It's been almost a week since that day, but things have been so depressing and hectic and strange - I keep hearing arguments behind closed doors. I hope I don't have to break things up one day. However, I'm finally back on my meds and I was gifted the most life-saving, gracious gift: a posture corrector. Such a comfortable back brace. I can finally sit comfortably at my desk, with less worry of developing chronic back pain.
Besides that, I've been in a mad rush to create content, but my energy slips out of my fingers like sand with every attempt. Profoundly frustrating. I need to actually learn to have patience. I've completely lacked it all my life, and struggled greatly with staying composed and just... Not angry. There's always a reason to cry or shout, with the way I feel. How and when will I be able to change that? I don't have the slightest idea where to begin. I'm all alone in every life lesson.
Today was not a day I thought I would ever experience. 2 months before, I had to part ways with a best friend, only to wake up to a friend request from them this morning. My entire day consisted of catching up with them, and pleasantly speaking. It was almost as if we were never apart.
I felt revitalized, light, and relaxed. Not very commonplace feelings for my anxious, tired body. I was a bit irritable because of my pain still, but I felt like I stepped into a sunbeam - back into the light, once again. I feel as though I can leave the life I once lived behind me, and strive to be a kind and reliable person. I'll try my damnedest.
Not coping very well. A toothpick got stuck in my foot today, and I've been sleeping off the pain and perpetual hunger I feel.
Today was a complete blur. I'm pretty sure I'm still reeling from what happened.
I lost a friend today, but I can't say I care much anymore. For some reason, a weight feels lifted off my shoulders. I'll be alright, but I'm really tired today. At least vacation's over for my household, and I have the place all to myself during the day.
All I can do for the time being is be a miserable fool and hope I get sick from the rain so people leave me alone, or so I physically can't be awake to suffer what I usually do.
Yesterday was a blur, completely. It felt so long and empty, and I wasn't feeling alive. That's how little food's left in the house.
I finished a piece today, and made some good sketches of new characters. God, finally. Beyond that, I'm really run dry. I was happy to receive some interest in my work elsewhere, though. I'm really out of steam, and need to relax.
Uneventful day today except for going deep into the woods after dark, to let some piling-on stress out by screaming bloody murder into the sky and also... To sing a bit. I've been unable to sing to my heart's content since a certain someone is still on vacation, and is always present at home, listening in on me. So I've opted for the woods after dark until the insects start breeding again and subsequently eat me alive.
However, that's when I encountered two sketchy men in the woods armed with flashlights. I'm not sure what else they were armed with, but it could've been more than that. They were greatly alarmed by my horrible, comparable-to-a-banshee noises, and immediately demanded to know who was there, running after the source of the sound (regrettably, me). I was absolutely certain in the moment that they were forest rangers. I didn't want to get arrested or possibly gunned down, so I hid about twenty or thirty feet into the thick of the trees, some ways off the main trails. Great thinking, idiot.
I managed to wait them out and escape, but it was only until I got home that I realized York Regional Forest doesn't employ people to go patrol the woods at night. Those were literally just some random guys, probably up to no good. Hopefully just doing drugs or the like, and nothing like hiding a body.
I'm insane, really. Quarantine is so boring that I feel the need to go out into the woods and scream like a lunatic. I haven't done anything that risky since sneaking out at 3 AM when I was twelve.
Went to an Izakaya for a family friend's birthday this evening, and had a nice pint of Sapporo beer on a whim. I think I'm a bit of a lightweight, because it wasn't long before I felt warm and like a million bucks. I was enamoured enough to tell my friends all about it afterwards, to mixed results. Lots of California rolls, beef, and rice to go around. The place had a lovely charred smell, and I do mean lovely. Cleared me right up and felt nice and homey.
Looking back on this month's entries, I realize just how blessed I am to live the life that I do. I should take more chances, always strive to do more, and to try new things. There's promise of attracting a good mate and even employment if I really stick to walking to get my weight down, but I keep straining my body very badly in various ways, and I'm in constant pain and discomfort one way or another. There's always something that discourages me and makes it so hard to be proud of anything I am. The reason I'm like this to begin with is because of that shadow at my door, that man.
Why does he loom over every aspect of my life? Why did he ruin everything? I'll never know, but I just hope to God that I get out of here and live a good life. It's good to have friends, really. It's good to have hope, a goal, and a purpose. It isn't everything there is to success, but it's the route that makes you more human in the end.
Uneventful, unporductive day except for going for a walk in the woods at night. My phone died before I stepped in, and I had no light to guide me except for the moon and stars. I made it out fine, but it was the most exciting thing I'd done in so long. Surprisingly, my feet didn't hurt after all the walking. I was outside in the woods for a good hour, more than I usually go.
The moment I looked up at the moon through the tree branches, it was burned into my mind, and I was left breathless. I felt wild and at home for a moment.
I got a lot of work done today. Cleaned the mold off the windows, vaccuumed, sorted clothes, made the bed, mopped, dealt with the dishes. But today, I felt like someone I never really got to know died. It bothered me. They're another person in the vast sea I never knew, and most likely never will. I can only offer my life to those who are living.
Had my hair bleached blonde today, loved it. Felt mighty itchy at first, but I feel all shiny and new. Helped a friend with his ROM hack over at his house later in the day, and had some good food. I was still able to sneak past with my blonde hair when I got home, heh. For some reason, it feels like things will be alright soon.
Spring's nice. I couldn't go outside today, since I chose to be up all night doing something stupid with my time. I'm so tired. I had way too much screentime and my eyes hurt like hell. I've been off meds a while because I'm all out. I'm desperate for vacation to be over so I can have the house to myself again. I'm sick and tired of being listened in on, I need to be on the phone to get my meds refilled. It's an irrational anxiety but I can't handle it right now.
I've succumbed to the urge to satisfy it and basically wait it out, torturing myself the entire way. I've cried every day this week about different things, and for different people. Hurts to see people hurting, but today I'm not all there. I'm just so tired.
Took a walk today, and realized all the pain I keep feeling is from toenail trauma. Ouch. Besides that, it was nice. My eyesight was clear today, and I was happy to receive two clients for drawing commissions today. I might actually be able to afford Red Dead for PC with it, which makes me extremely happy. I have something to share with friends again. But tonight feels so lonely. I hope that it turns out alright.
Today I'm a changed man. Or rather, I'm trying to be. I need glasses soon. I cut my hair a few days ago, but I ended up not liking it. Hopefully it grows in nicely. I miss braiding it, so very long ago. I want to grow into something beautiful soon. I'm impatient and angry so often, and have been for years.
I'm going to smile fondly at someone, someday, somewhere. Maybe by the sea would be nice. Doesn't matter who or where, but to look fearlessly into a face and smile because... I'm fine now. I'm they're fine too. I just want to hold someone. I just want to move already.
I'll be okay someday.
That's all I have for now.